Updated: May 23, 2019
Hate conflict? Sick and tired of losing arguments? Feeling tongue-tied when the kid from the next department is shooting your idea down in the project meeting? Dread the upcoming visit with your brother in law who always manages to take you aside to start an argument about politics, sports, lawn care…pick one? Wishing you did not have to go home and get chewed out for not paying the credit card bill on time?
What if I were to tell you that you will never have to lose an argument again for the rest of your life? One simple tool -- guaranteed to put you in the driver’s seat when any argument starts. No more tongue-tied moments, no more shutdowns or leaving the room, no more false apologies. Sound too good to be true? Well, listen up, and I will tell you about a marvelous new device that is guaranteed to give you the power to win every argument that comes your way.
Starting today, you can get this miracle tool for the low, low one-time price of just reading this short blog
Dissonance and Acrimony, Ugh
In this age of talk radio, televised political “debates” and social media, we feel immersed in a sea of acrimony. Some folks seem to tolerate conflict pretty well, and it seems that others even thrive on fighting. But for most of us, conflict is a hateful, stressful part of our daily life. However, when you think about it, conflict is a normal condition in our universe. It’s a natural part of our world like gravity and electricity. When we understand how to manage gravity and electricity, they provide the energy necessary for life. We would be lost without them. But when we violate the rules for the safe use of gravity, electricity or conflict, they each become a destructive force. It’s safe to say that there are universally accepted understandings about the safe management of gravity and electricity. But there has always been disagreement about how to manage conflict; especially when it involves social interactions. Conflict management for human interactions tends to fall into one of two categories, Win-Lose or Win-Win.
Win Lose vs Win Win
The Win-Lose camp, which has had such a devastating impact on human progress since the dawn of civilization, views the other side as the enemy to be defeated. Winning requires the use of force to defeat the enemy to exert total control. This approach to conflict has frequently played out in our socio-political life and has sometimes led to destructive wars. Many politicians and social activists still favor Machiavellian, adversarial, win-lose strategies where the other side is viewed as the enemy and must be defeated.
The other approach to conflict resolution in human interactions is the Win-Win strategy. Conflict is a necessary and normal part of existence. Both sides can benefit from a collaborative versus a belligerent adversarial confrontation. The Win-Win group, as represented by such notables as Jesus Christ, Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, and Martin Luther King, to name a few, maintains that Win-Lose strategies are harmful to both sides and, at best, provide only short-term gains to the winning side. Only a Win-Win approach can provide lasting resolutions of conflict while transforming destructive energy into a force for good. You might say then, that the two strategies are Win-Win and Lose-Lose.
Win-Win and the Curiosity Button
But I promised a revolutionary new miracle tool that doesn’t require 11 rules, or 13 strategies and a standing army. So, what is this gadget, and how does it work? The answer is (trumpet fanfare) The Curiosity Button. The Curiosity Button is the ultimate weapon to use for Win-Win conflict resolution. Press this button when someone confronts you, and you will control the situation, be shielded from your opponent’s verbal assaults, and be assured of a win every time (as will your opponent should they decide to attack the problem and not you.)
Responding to an opponent’s argument or verbal assault with defensiveness, contempt, criticism or stonewalling, (John Gottman) does little to resolve an impasse that divides two sides. Replacing a defensive response with the Curiosity Button has an immediate, positive impact.
There’s a Trick to Using the As Seen on TV Items
My experience with the AS SEEN ON TV items is that I can’t use them nearly as well as that guy on TV. Usually, there is a trick to making these things work right. I have found that there are three tricks to using the Curiosity Button.
First off, success with the Curiosity Button requires you to be secure in your Personal Identity so that your emotions and thoughts are not controlled by the words, and emotions of your opponent. You can listen without being reactive. This level of maturity is called Independence by Steven Covey. We call it Resonance when a person is so well in tune with who they are and what they want in life that they are not controlled by others’ attitudes, opinions, or emotions. Resonance enables a person to retain the power to think, feel, and act on their own terms, versus giving power to others to control their inner life and their behaviors.
Another secret to effective use of the Curiosity Button is to keep exchanges short. Active listening is very hard work. In conflict situations, it is necessary to limit exchanges to 20-30 minutes to avoid decompensation and returning to old habits of arguing.
And finally, the Curiosity Button takes lots of practice like any fine instrument. The violinist did not learn to play beautiful music with the instrument without study and years of practice. She had to be patient with mistakes and keep returning to her study to become a proficient performer. In like manner, it is necessary to be tolerant of your defensive, reactive responses when you start using the Curiosity Button. Practice makes perfect, but it does take time.
Visit Us at Resonance NC
Conflict is a vital source of energy in both our physical and emotional worlds. It is just another part of the nature of things. We can learn to put conflict to use for making life better, as we have for other forces of nature, or we can allow this natural force to diminish or end our existence.
One of the valuable benefits of the Resonance program is learning to become more comfortable with conflict by making conflict work for you rather than against you. Visit our website, WWW.ResonanceNC.Com, for more information about life skills training and how to tune in to your Life Passions. You can learn more about how James Gottman and Stephen Covey approach conflict resolution at these websites: